I forgot something

I think I forgot something.  Or maybe, some things.  Or, perhaps what I am forgetting is myself and my truth.  It has been quite a while since I wrote about my feelings.  I used to be a very regular journal writer – writing down my feelings; my stories; my day to day grind.  That has not happened for a bit and I am not really sure when it stopped.  But I need to pick it up again.  My feelings and my truths are unsettled and I think that is because they are not currently living on that sweet page of paper, with the smell of fiber and ink, and swirls, swooshes, curlicues, dots, and dashes.  How can your thought be a great journal entry without those basics?

I was in my dream space last night – a place I have not been in awhile. Not sure why. If I have been there, I don’t remember recently, like I remember last night.  Someone was trying to get my attention and speak to me. At first, I wasn’t aware….although I was but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Somewhere during the dream journey, there was the voice, the face, the feeling, the memory, the message. He was smiling at me, touching my arm with that way of his; asking me how I was doing and telling me he was sorry and that he was okay but missing everyone. I tried to ask him about himself but he was in and out - but never letting go of my arm, I was certain of that. My memory was talking to me; a snow storm and a cold wind. Laughter and warmth in the middle of a snowy gale. All the time, he was talking to me with his hand on my arm. It gave me such a feeling of peace and calm and happiness.  Pure happiness.  He was telling me to be purely happy and to remember how that felt. And to try to remember happy without remembering the sad too. I tried to speak to him but every time I did that I was pulled back to somewhere else but always, he was there, close by. I woke up very slowly…..or it seemed that way to me. I was warm under the blanket but my arm was outside the blanket and it was cold from the air conditioner blowing. And there was one warm spot on my arm just below my elbow that felt so wonderful. It was just the right temperature and just …… right.

Blessings List

I am blessed with so many things.....my beautiful daughter, my meaningful job, my three sisters, my dear friendships, my extended family, I could go on and on.  As I get older, these blessings begin to mean more and more to me. Not just words but true feelings of blessing.  When we are young, we love our parents for the safety and unconditional love they give us; when we are adolescents we learn there are other types of love and we begin to move in different directions; but one thing stays the same, always.  And that is we continue to have the capacity to love.  Our blessings grow as we meet more people along the way and those people go on the blessings list.  Once you are on my list, you are never erased.  You may move up and down the list, but you are always there.  I just need to make room for more blessings.  That is the best part.  Making room for more blessings.  Because who doesn't want a list of infinite blessings?

The Nudge at My Shoulder

It began happening about three years ago.  It only happens when I am in a shallow slumber either coming out of a deep sleep or falling into one.  At first, I thought perhaps it was just my body relaxing and my tense muscles releasing to rest.  But for some reason, recently anyway, I don't think so.  I think it is someone who is no longer with me who is nudging me.  And it's just that....a nudge, a gentle push.  Not a tap, not a slap, not a painful catch.....it is definitely a nudge....each time the same amount of pressure, in the exact same place.....behind my left shoulder.  After it happens, I know someone is trying to communicate with me but I have no idea who or what the message is.  I have even tried to match it to a dream I may have had just prior to the nudge but actually, there has not ever been a dream that I could attach it to. When it happens, it has been a dreamless sleep or just falling off into sleep.

I find it peaceful.  I have never felt it to be threatening kind of thing. It's more of a message of sorts to say "I am here and I will always be here".  I choose to believe maybe all of my loved ones that I have lost in my life get to take turns nudging me.  I can just imagine the line waiting for their turn.

Our Pets Teach Us

Isn’t it funny how much we learn from our pets?  Without speaking, they teach us an incredible amount of shit about ourselves, about life.  They know us intimately and we them.  Yet we never speak …… Dobby taught me tolerance. She was a challenge from the minute we brought her home and continued to grate on my every nerve until literally, the day Fiona passed away.  She was so in the moment when that happened, and she was patient with me and knew not to ask me for anything except food.  Then one day, she jumped on my lap and I didn’t get annoyed with her and push her away. She knew it was time for me to focus on her and to let her comfort me and me, her – we became friends.  Despite her sometimes annoying habits and her needy ways, she taught me that it was okay for me to give in to her need for affection.  I don’t tend to be very good about that but she taught me.  I know I said no more pets but after last night, coming home to that empty house, gathering up toys, beds, bowls, litter box, blanket…..sleeping without that warm lump at my feet and no kitty to shoo off the bath mat when I stepped out of the shower this morning, I have decided a house is not a home without a kitty.  Not right now but soon most likely………

A BEAUTIFUL BIG ORANGE BOAT

Love is like a beautiful big orange boat with a hole in it’s side, pounding against the reef.  If it can be rescued, it is hoisted out of the water, hauled into the harbor, and stored in a boat yard to wait for the insurance check.  If it is lucky enough to have been hoisted from the surf and it attracts a new captain’s eye, it will have that hole filled up in no time and it will float again!  And the previous captain-the one who turned his back on the boat as it came away from it’s moorings and floated out to the reef to become junk? Well he now gets to see that boat float again with a new captain at the helm and see the beautiful blue water slide against it’s side.

HEARTS

It's all about hearts this month. Hearts are a funny thing. They keep us alive, to be sure. They pump all of that blood and good stuff from organ to organ. It normally never lets us down and never stops, thank goodness. Hearts also let us love. Where would we be without that I wonder? It flutters and beats with each birth, kiss, meet cute, and letting go. Hearts also keep our secrets. Because we need a special place for those. Hearts can break too. They can break as a muscle that can't pump all of that blood and good stuff any more. Our hearts can stop loving. Although I personally don't think they ever stop loving. That kind of heart love just goes to a special place in the heart and lives there for all eternity. Hearts certainly are a funny thing. Valentine's Day is a day to remind ourselves that our hearts are capable of loving. We all love someone, whether it's another human being or a four legged friend. Love is what helps the heart pump blood and good stuff from organ to organ. Because you have to have that reason to live for the heart to know to keep on pumping. My heart is working overtime lately. It is anxious for a sick friend. It is mourning the loss of another. It misses a beloved pet. It is trying to keep going in a body I have neglected for a long time. I think this Valentine's Day, I am going to let my heart do the most important thing it can do. I am going to let it love me. And in turn, I am going to love mine a bit better.

IN TRANSITION AGAIN

Well, like I always say....life is all about inevitable change. And how appropriate for a new transition for me to happen in the Fall. Transitions can sometimes be welcome or not. My transition is both. I know the changes happening around me are for the best; however that does not take away the hurt and the broken feelings. My life has always, for the most part, been a happy one. I intend on keeping it that way. Once I begin to move through the various levels of this transition, I hope I can keep my sense of humor, I hope I don't eat my way through my feelings, and I hope I can come through it with dignity, grace and a humble heart. There are people in my life that have come and gone but they are never forgotten. My heart holds special places for those special people who have come into and gone out of my life. I am better for having known them, for loving them, and for learning from them.
On to the next phase of my life......I hope it will hold happiness.

GOOD NIGHT IRENE

Hurricane Irene is headed for my beloved coastal South Carolina. And she is supposed to upset everything on Saturday morning -- 24 hours before we are to leave for a week at the beach! I am praying that she stays out to sea as far as she is able to and that we are all spared her wrath. Hopefully, we will be singing.....

GOOD NIGHT IRENE, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO!!! as soon as we can!

Home and Glad of It

I am reminded every once in awhile, why life is all about transition. And if one waits long enough, changes are inevitable and most changes are good. I have lamented now, for a year and a half, about how much I dislike my new home. I moved a year or so ago, from the most charming house, a house that I longed to own one day but lacked the funds and energy to purchase. And, it was never for sale. Unfortunately, being a casualty of the down turn in the economy and unemployment, I found myself plowing through my savings to keep a roof over my head and woke up one morning and told myself I had to stop the hemorraging of money out the front door. Reality was, the money was gone. I was in a dire situation and the wolf was biting my ankles. So I embarked on a journey but hoped it wouldn't take me too far away. I was extremely fortunate to find a place to live in my own neighborhood, costing me nearly 1/2 of what it was costing me in my environment of charm, and I would not have to push another lawnmower again! I enlisted the help of my famiends (family/friends), and in the dead of winter, literally with ice and snow on the ground, we moved all of my possessions and magazines, one street over into a very small, yet to be charming little space that I had found in my desparation to meet all of my criteria. My famiends were quite supportive, never saying I was making a huge mistake - the only negative remarks I remember were about my magazine collections! With everyone's help, I slowly transformed the tiny, dull, uninteresting, care worn space into a space I could think about coming home to every night. With paint, spackle and elbow grease, I made it my new charm. But I have not ever been truly happy in this place. The biggest reason being I never let myself be happy. Somehow, along my journey, I went from being happy to being unhappy, with myself at the wheel of my happiness journey! But I have decided that I am going to be happy in this new living space, if it kills me in the process. I must find happiness here or suffer the consequences of losing my permanent and only chance at happiness. Because, like we all know, we only have one chance at all of this and we don't blow it with the help of others. We blow it all on our own. There are changes happening in my life that are causing my life to groan and squeek, like an old wheel that has been stuck in the mud and is now moving forward. I have made the decision to start pushing that wheel out of the mud while the ground is dry and before the next downpour, and let it begin its roll toward something new. It is not without groaning and squeeking that I am rolling forward, but it is also with determination and a brighter outlook. And, most important, it is with a more positive attitude toward what lays beyond the horizon viewed from the hole my wheel has been stuck in. As you pass by the place where I now live, please look my way, and know that I am in my new environment of charm, making a new attempt at happiness. I am no longer hiding behind my closed door; I am no longer trying to make myself inconspicuous so that you would not think of me behind this door. Of course, and I don't have to even tell myself or you this, life is what you make of it - home is made up of people and memories and welcoming gestures. I am finally feeling as though I am home and I am looking for ways to rid myself of the sadness and looking forward to my new happiness. There are things I can do to give my new journey a boost - I can smudge the bad juju out; I can pour from a pitcher of water, all the other bad juju that may dodge the smudging. I am looking forward to turning on my light each and every day when I come through my front door and smile because I am home and glad of it!

Summer is here

days are beginning to feel calmer, night darkens a little later, the fire flys are dancing in the yard

the rain brings the flowers to life and the gardens are green and healthy

perching on the front porch watching the baby birds take their wings and the cat day dreaming in my lap not noticing

taking slower steps on purpose, waiting for the tomatoe sandwiches and sweet ripe corn

the promise of sand on my feet and the salt on my lips

in a few weeks it will mark my ten years of living south of the line -- I am feeling those years take hold and I am happy

Relaxation

Saturday morning we are headed for Florida........my blood pressure is already lowering......

Dreamy Sunday

Even though there is a chance the sun will peek out today, I am already in the rainy Sunday mode carried over from the rainy Saturday yesterday. I have my paper and pen and have made lists this morning, turned pages of a new glossy magazine with new ideas and some old ones, put the cooking channel on and muted it until I see something I may want to cook today, thinking how today will be mani/pedi day at home, and I will finish the laundry. I love these comfort days that unwind the tight twirls of last week. The cats are snoring and I am ready to put the blanket over my head for another short snooze. The only thing that's missing is the sound of rain on the window pane; the weatherman has given me hope it will start to drip drop soon.

Snowy Fluttery Friday

No snow in sight in this picture of beautiful Greenville! Cannot wait for summer!

I am looking forward to cozying up this weekend with cookbooks, magazines, books, pens and paper. In this weird weather we are having in South Carolina, snow is supposed to flutter and fall today and make us all feel part of the "snow mania" that the east coast has experienced this past week. I, for one, could do without being part of the crowd, but there is something to be said for snow fall on a Friday so we can enjoy it rather than despise it. I will make a big pot of soup, try my hand at a loaf of bread baking, sip wine and nap with the cats.

Whatever you choose to do this weekend, have a peaceful and restful one.

Going Back

Let's go back to where the air is clear, the sky so blue, the sand so soft and warm, the house so grown up, where the friendship is the best! Let's get captured once again!

Drippity drip drip...droppity drop drop

Drippity drip drip......droppity drop drop........

Pull the covers back over you head and listen
to the drops and drips – let them lull you back to slumber.

Curl up in your favorite chair with a book or glossy
pretty magazine and let your eyes go heavy with
the light

Eat toast and jam, drink something hot, and feel
the warmth in your core

Let your furry family wrap their warmth around
you and feel small heart beats...

Drippity drip drip ..... droppity drop drop

Collections

Why does the mere fact of collecting things into boxes give so many of us a thrill? Is it the fact that we are organizing the stuff, junk, crap, treasure, heirlooms, etc? Or is it simply that we have the things in a compact spot for our eyes only? And why does the act of collecting this stuff, junk, crap, treasure, heirloom give us pleasure? My father collected junk, my grandfather collected junk, my Aunt Sally collected junk – I think I come by it along the branch of the proverbial apple tree. Of course, my collections are special. Magazines with beautiful, glossy pictures of rooms and gardens for which I could never live a life long enough or many enough to duplicate for myself. But definitely the nesting fantasies I feel when I look at these pages give me that sense of pleasure that I cannot describe. I collect shells and wine corks – shells because I can physically pick up and bring home with me a piece of the beach, any beach, where I feel so connected. Wine corks – for the silliness of it. I will NEVER make a trivet or craft from them – I just like to see them all in a basket. It’s amazing.

My china cabinet is full of collected stuff, junk, crap, treasure and heirloom as well. And when I open the door, it smells of pepper from when it used to sit in my grandmother’s house filled with her treasures. That smell brings a smile to my face every time I open the cabinet door – I think of my grandmother and her snow white hair, twinkley eye and Scottish brogue.

My attic is filled with plastic bins of collected stuff, junk, crap, treasure and heirloom too. An odd assortment of holiday decor, but most treasured are the things from my daughter’s childhood. I will never throw away that picture with the macaroni tree or the hand print made of pudding (bugs are long gone from both). Her collection of plastic horses that made up her world for so much of her childhood and fostered her imagination that has formed her into a fabulously talented, thinking young woman. Yes people, I attribute that collection to all of that!

Unfortunately for my daughter, friends and family, these collections of stuff, junk, crap, treasure and heirloom will stay with me until the end of my days. And when all of you go through it some day and laugh, cry and get angry, please remember all the collected stuff, junk, crap, treasure and heirloom all of you have in your nooks and crannies. But most especially, think of me and know the small pleasures my collections gave to me.

Be My Guest

If I could have a guest room like this, I would have a guest every weekend! Or I would be my own guest. I could have a nice cup of tea, a stack of magazines, some Diana Krall on the MP3 player and I would/could live in this little house!

Sniffing for words

I am suffering from writers block again.....this is worse than having the flu or a bad cold! I feel so disconnected when I am not writing. Help....is there an inhaler for writers block? If not, there should be.

Change and birthdays

I have been feeling quite nostalgic the past few days, more than likely due to my birthday cycling around again for this year. I miss my family and friends who are gone and for whom my birthday was important to besides myself. Most of all, I miss my mom on my birthday. I always felt that special connection and she was the first person who would call me on my birthday every year, no matter where I was or what she was doing. I think the connection to my mom on my birthday is a connection I will never have with anyone else in my life and one that is the most important in my life. I hope my own daughter feels the same way - I am pretty sure she does. I feel as though the older I get, the happier I get. I am glad I am where I am today. I have decided to make some major changes in my life - mainly to go along with my major changes in the past few months. I am on a roll....may as well roll with it. This is random writing - all over the place. That's okay though. I don't write for others, I write for myself.

Happy

I haven't been in this space in quite awhile...I have been trying to calm my life down, get back into a rythmn and figure out how to do it all in a week. I love love love my job and pinch myself every day to remind myself that it is real. I still get queasy when I read about unemployment in S.C. and how at a moment's notice, your life can change and you can be thrown into a washing machine drum of unemployment, rejection, panic, and helplessness. I see people who are smart, dedicated, ethical, loyal that are now trying to portray themselves to an employer who only knows them as one of 200+ applicants for a job that may not even be the best fit, but it would pay a salary so they can provide for the family. I am just a little panicky right now writing this because I remember how one person can change your life without you ever having control over the event at all.
I am so very happy and excited to be working with a group of people so dedicated to the good of my city and have met some awesome people on this new journey. I feel so confident, and so needed, and so very fortunate. I need to constantly remind myself I am worthy of the assignment, I am capable of the job, I am now doing more than just a job - I am living a whole new life wherein I can make a difference for years to come and bring this wonderful, spectaculoar city front and center to anyone who would contemplate moving here and being a part of us. You just cannot even imagine how wonderful this city is until you see it also behind the scenes and you look back and say, yes, this is why this city is so damn wonderful!