I forgot something

I think I forgot something.  Or maybe, some things.  Or, perhaps what I am forgetting is myself and my truth.  It has been quite a while since I wrote about my feelings.  I used to be a very regular journal writer – writing down my feelings; my stories; my day to day grind.  That has not happened for a bit and I am not really sure when it stopped.  But I need to pick it up again.  My feelings and my truths are unsettled and I think that is because they are not currently living on that sweet page of paper, with the smell of fiber and ink, and swirls, swooshes, curlicues, dots, and dashes.  How can your thought be a great journal entry without those basics?

I was in my dream space last night – a place I have not been in awhile. Not sure why. If I have been there, I don’t remember recently, like I remember last night.  Someone was trying to get my attention and speak to me. At first, I wasn’t aware….although I was but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Somewhere during the dream journey, there was the voice, the face, the feeling, the memory, the message. He was smiling at me, touching my arm with that way of his; asking me how I was doing and telling me he was sorry and that he was okay but missing everyone. I tried to ask him about himself but he was in and out - but never letting go of my arm, I was certain of that. My memory was talking to me; a snow storm and a cold wind. Laughter and warmth in the middle of a snowy gale. All the time, he was talking to me with his hand on my arm. It gave me such a feeling of peace and calm and happiness.  Pure happiness.  He was telling me to be purely happy and to remember how that felt. And to try to remember happy without remembering the sad too. I tried to speak to him but every time I did that I was pulled back to somewhere else but always, he was there, close by. I woke up very slowly…..or it seemed that way to me. I was warm under the blanket but my arm was outside the blanket and it was cold from the air conditioner blowing. And there was one warm spot on my arm just below my elbow that felt so wonderful. It was just the right temperature and just …… right.

Blessings List

I am blessed with so many things.....my beautiful daughter, my meaningful job, my three sisters, my dear friendships, my extended family, I could go on and on.  As I get older, these blessings begin to mean more and more to me. Not just words but true feelings of blessing.  When we are young, we love our parents for the safety and unconditional love they give us; when we are adolescents we learn there are other types of love and we begin to move in different directions; but one thing stays the same, always.  And that is we continue to have the capacity to love.  Our blessings grow as we meet more people along the way and those people go on the blessings list.  Once you are on my list, you are never erased.  You may move up and down the list, but you are always there.  I just need to make room for more blessings.  That is the best part.  Making room for more blessings.  Because who doesn't want a list of infinite blessings?

The Nudge at My Shoulder

It began happening about three years ago.  It only happens when I am in a shallow slumber either coming out of a deep sleep or falling into one.  At first, I thought perhaps it was just my body relaxing and my tense muscles releasing to rest.  But for some reason, recently anyway, I don't think so.  I think it is someone who is no longer with me who is nudging me.  And it's just that....a nudge, a gentle push.  Not a tap, not a slap, not a painful catch.....it is definitely a nudge....each time the same amount of pressure, in the exact same place.....behind my left shoulder.  After it happens, I know someone is trying to communicate with me but I have no idea who or what the message is.  I have even tried to match it to a dream I may have had just prior to the nudge but actually, there has not ever been a dream that I could attach it to. When it happens, it has been a dreamless sleep or just falling off into sleep.

I find it peaceful.  I have never felt it to be threatening kind of thing. It's more of a message of sorts to say "I am here and I will always be here".  I choose to believe maybe all of my loved ones that I have lost in my life get to take turns nudging me.  I can just imagine the line waiting for their turn.

Our Pets Teach Us

Isn’t it funny how much we learn from our pets?  Without speaking, they teach us an incredible amount of shit about ourselves, about life.  They know us intimately and we them.  Yet we never speak …… Dobby taught me tolerance. She was a challenge from the minute we brought her home and continued to grate on my every nerve until literally, the day Fiona passed away.  She was so in the moment when that happened, and she was patient with me and knew not to ask me for anything except food.  Then one day, she jumped on my lap and I didn’t get annoyed with her and push her away. She knew it was time for me to focus on her and to let her comfort me and me, her – we became friends.  Despite her sometimes annoying habits and her needy ways, she taught me that it was okay for me to give in to her need for affection.  I don’t tend to be very good about that but she taught me.  I know I said no more pets but after last night, coming home to that empty house, gathering up toys, beds, bowls, litter box, blanket…..sleeping without that warm lump at my feet and no kitty to shoo off the bath mat when I stepped out of the shower this morning, I have decided a house is not a home without a kitty.  Not right now but soon most likely………

A BEAUTIFUL BIG ORANGE BOAT

Love is like a beautiful big orange boat with a hole in it’s side, pounding against the reef.  If it can be rescued, it is hoisted out of the water, hauled into the harbor, and stored in a boat yard to wait for the insurance check.  If it is lucky enough to have been hoisted from the surf and it attracts a new captain’s eye, it will have that hole filled up in no time and it will float again!  And the previous captain-the one who turned his back on the boat as it came away from it’s moorings and floated out to the reef to become junk? Well he now gets to see that boat float again with a new captain at the helm and see the beautiful blue water slide against it’s side.

HEARTS

It's all about hearts this month. Hearts are a funny thing. They keep us alive, to be sure. They pump all of that blood and good stuff from organ to organ. It normally never lets us down and never stops, thank goodness. Hearts also let us love. Where would we be without that I wonder? It flutters and beats with each birth, kiss, meet cute, and letting go. Hearts also keep our secrets. Because we need a special place for those. Hearts can break too. They can break as a muscle that can't pump all of that blood and good stuff any more. Our hearts can stop loving. Although I personally don't think they ever stop loving. That kind of heart love just goes to a special place in the heart and lives there for all eternity. Hearts certainly are a funny thing. Valentine's Day is a day to remind ourselves that our hearts are capable of loving. We all love someone, whether it's another human being or a four legged friend. Love is what helps the heart pump blood and good stuff from organ to organ. Because you have to have that reason to live for the heart to know to keep on pumping. My heart is working overtime lately. It is anxious for a sick friend. It is mourning the loss of another. It misses a beloved pet. It is trying to keep going in a body I have neglected for a long time. I think this Valentine's Day, I am going to let my heart do the most important thing it can do. I am going to let it love me. And in turn, I am going to love mine a bit better.

IN TRANSITION AGAIN

Well, like I always say....life is all about inevitable change. And how appropriate for a new transition for me to happen in the Fall. Transitions can sometimes be welcome or not. My transition is both. I know the changes happening around me are for the best; however that does not take away the hurt and the broken feelings. My life has always, for the most part, been a happy one. I intend on keeping it that way. Once I begin to move through the various levels of this transition, I hope I can keep my sense of humor, I hope I don't eat my way through my feelings, and I hope I can come through it with dignity, grace and a humble heart. There are people in my life that have come and gone but they are never forgotten. My heart holds special places for those special people who have come into and gone out of my life. I am better for having known them, for loving them, and for learning from them.
On to the next phase of my life......I hope it will hold happiness.